Dear Best Selling Author of Erotica,

I am tired, very tired, of everyone on earth telling me how poorly written your books are.

Let me offer a few pointers.

1) Focus on physical details.  How about:  “Blood speckled her pillows, giving them a kind of delicate, polka-dot-from-hell pattern.”

2) End each chapter with a hook.  Example:  “She thought the worst was over.  And then she saw the tail of the bullwhip peeking between his legs.”

3) Rewrite your ending.  Everyone hates it.  Consider crafting one that actually brings women pleasure and satisfaction.   Oh, wait, righhhhht . . . .

Very sincerely,

The Literary Author

P.S. Please stop laughing on your way to the bank.  It’s very untoward, and we can all hear you.